Becoming her Mom

#2: The most beautiful sound…

I reread this post from over 6 years ago. I’m so happy I took time to write down this memory. As I read it, I cried. I cried quite a bit as it brought back so many memories, emotions, and the visceral experience flooded my body.

I remember being so terrified.

I remember feeling ALL ALONE.

I remember not seeing her. Alex told me she was beautiful. Alex said she was huge. Alex was the first one to see her.

I remember his agony. “Who do I go with?” For the 1^st time since marrying me, he had to choose. Do I go with my daughter to the NICU or do I go with my wife to post-op?

I remember saying, “Go with her! I am fine. Go with her.” 

Then, I don’t remember.

I don’t remember what happened between him leaving and my waking up in the recovery room. I don’t remember being stitched up. I don’t remember being transported. I don’t remember the first moments of being a mom.

I don’t remember holding her and welcoming her into this world…because I didn’t.

I don’t remember letting her feel my skin and hear my voice…because she didn’t.

I don’t remember looking into my husband’s eyes as we basked in the glow of our new baby girl…because I didn’t.

I woke up and Alex was there holding my hand. And, I do remember telling him to go back to be with our daughter. I suppose it was the beginning of always giving everything to your child. “Go with her” I said again. “Be with her. She needs you.”

He stayed with me for a while but then, as he should, he went back to be with our daughter.

I don’t remember being transferred to my room. I don’t remember a lot of those first few hours.

However, I do remember feeling along again. But, this time, the alone feeling was from not having my Teal inside me. For the 1^st time in nine months, she wasn’t with me. And, at the same time, I didn’t fully comprehend that I was a mom. It was a very confusing time.

I remember looking down at my smaller stomach and feeling very confused. Torn. Lonely. Alone. I wasn’t a mom yet. That’s what I remember feeling. She is gone, but I’m not a mom yet. She is of this world, but I am not a mom yet.

I didn’t get to see her for over 8 hours. Our NICU, for whatever reason, won’t let mom’s visit their children until they can walk on their own into the facility. I am highly sensitive to any form of drug and thus, couldn’t actually feel my legs or pelvis for a very long time. Eight hours long. It was pure agony.

However, there are moments I remember that I know have impacted our family positively. Alex was the first one to learn about her. How to “handle” her, how to not “handle” her. He told me how small her diaper was and that he learned about the bag she was in for warmth. He taught me how to wash my hands before going into the NICU. He walked me to where she was. And, for a woman who is often in charge and giving the commands, I know that those sweet moments he had with Teal before I arrived helped to shape their bond from day 1. And for that, I am forever grateful.

I will always remember holding her for the first time.

I will always remember being so shocked by how small she was on my chest.

I will always remember her heat.

I will always remember looking into her sweet, beautiful face with utter amazement and pure joy.

I will always remember smelling her.

I will always remember hearing her tiny breath.

I will always remember lightly touching her dark brown curls.

I will always remember asking her what she wanted to be called.

And, I will always remember when I became a mom, Teal’s mom.

XO

Jen