5 Things

In a recent conversation with my mom (we were recording an episode for the podcast at http://www.ForOurSpecialKids.com), she reminded me of the importance of 5 things.

Years ago, I would wake up each morning and write 5 things that I was grateful for in a notebook next to my bed. Just an easy 5 things. It started my day on a wonderfully positive note and I encourage you to try it.

Here are my 5 things for today:

Waking up with my kitty purring next to me
The taste of hot coffee with cream made by my husband
My morning meditation
The morning colors on the lake
The outstretched arms of my Teal when she woke up

If you can take 30 seconds to honor 5 things you’re grateful for today, your entire day will benefit.

Smiles…

Did you know I started a podcast called For Our Special Kids?

Each week I highlight a certain special person who is doing something amazing in our world of parenting a child with special needs! It might be a specialist, a parent, an author, a “WooWoo” healer, medium, psychic, etc. We talk science and we talk woowoo! It’s so much fun.

In every episode, we celebrate the magic and the mess of raising a child with special needs.

You can find all of the episodes since April 2022 on any of your listening platforms!

To learn more about Teal and our journey, go to www.ForOurSpecialKids.com.

Thanks so much for being a part of our journey!

What’s wrong with her?

Three times in one day I was asked, “What is her diagnosis?” I despise that question. And, I normally don’t handle it in the way I want.

Sometimes I say, “Well, she has high tone.”

Or “She is hypertonic.”

Or “We don’t label her.”

Or “Her dad and I have decided that when Teal can talk about it herself, she can tell people her diagnosis, but we don’t feel like it is our right.”

You know what I really want to say to these “oh, you don’t mind me asking, do you…” people…SHUT THE F-UP…WHY DOES IT MATTER? And, who are you to have the nerve to ask? And, yes, I do mind you asking. And, mind your own Goddamn business. And a slew of other things I don’t feel comfortable writing here.

God…I hate it. And, the biggest thing I struggle with is that I’m not ashamed of her diagnosis. I just don’t think random people need to know. I literally had a woman who had seen Teal maybe 3 times say, “If you don’t mind me asking, what is her diagnosis?” What? Really? When I told her that we don’t label her and all of the above statements…she got mad. I type this and laugh. SHE was the one who got mad. The nerve. Seriously, she stormed out of the market in a total huff all pissed that I wouldn’t tell her what was wrong with Teal.

Because, that’s what people really want to ask. They are desperately curious to know why she isn’t “normal.” What’s wrong? They are uncomfortable because they want to put her in a box and label her so they can feel better. So, they can take a deep breath and know it’s not contagious, it’s not catching. This is the truth. People don’t like to see something that is different from them.

Now, I know I am stereotyping. I know. Not every person feels this way…but as a mama lion…I will claw the eyes out of those people who do fall into that category. And, I’m shocked at how many more people fall into this category than I would ever expect. Sure, people say they want to know so they can treat her better or so they can better understand her. Bologna. They want to feed their own curiosity. And, it pisses me off.

I came home that day all in a fluster. I was desperate to find a way to answer that question without being a crazy mama lion while still standing up for my daughter and the respect we have for her. My husband, a friend, and I came up with this…

“How will the answer change how you interact with my daughter?”

I’ve tried it out in my mind and it still sounds bitchy. And we thought about…

“Why does it matter?”

I am still struggling months later. I still don’t know how to answer it. If you have an answer and are willing to share, please comment or send me an email at Jen@ForOurSpecialKids.com. I’d love to know how you handle this question.

And, please know…it’s not that we’re ashamed of her diagnosis…it just doesn’t matter. She is amazing, incredible, and so much more than a diagnosis!

Jen

Hope

On my podcast, For Our Special Kids, at the end of each episode, I used to ask the question, “What is one word that you would use to describe a child with special needs?”

The word “hope” never came up. Looking back, I am actually shocked it didn’t but I’m also not shocked. Ha Because hope is absolutely NOT the word I would have used when I received Teal’s diagnosis. Sitting across from a calloused, been-in-the-industry-too-long, neurologist who had no bedside manner and should never have been delivering diagnoses to parents … I couldn’t have felt further from hope. Despair maybe. Confused, yes. Shocked, absolutely. And WITHOUT ANY hope, yes. Certainly not hope or hopeful.

But, that was over 5 years ago. So much can change in 5 years. Heck, so much can change in 5 months or 5 days. 5 minutes.

So, why would i use the word hope to describe a child with special needs? Aren’t they the farthest thing from hope? Don’t they struggle with everyday things like eating, dressing, walking, talking…almost everything? Most children with special needs, not all, struggle with something quite large each day. For my Teal, she’s struggling to express her needs and emotions with words. Oh, and eating too. And, selfcare. Ha…Teal struggles with lots. And, yet, I would absolutely use the word hope for my magical little girl.

Desmond Tutu once said, “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”

This is the hope for which I am referring and I imagine the others were as well. It is the light in the dark. A cool breeze drifting on a hot night. The rainbow appearing after the storm. The soft touch of your child’s hand. The caress of a lover after tears of sorrow.

It can be one brief moment in time that shifts all your perspectives. Hope is fleeting at times for us as parents and caregivers.

However, what if you look at your child with hope and you see hope within them? How does your perspective change? My daughter is the light in the darkness. She is the cool breeze, the rainbow, and the soft touch. She is the hope we need to see in this world.

Our children are the light. Our children are the hope. They are the ones who show us the way through the darkness. They are the ones taking our hand and guiding us on this journey. They are here to teach us to see a new perspective. They are here to help us evolve into better humans and to see our life on Earth with a new lens.

We must begin to look through their eyes. And, when you do, you won’t see so much darkness in this world, in your life, in your days, in your moments…or in theirs. You will see the light.

The Vigilant Must Not Wait

So, I got this message today during a bioenergy healing session with Jody Goddard.

“The vigilant must not wait!” What the…?

While I know what vigilant means, I actually looked it up to see if there was another meaning that I was missing.

The Google machine says this, “keeping careful watch for possible danger or difficulties.” That didn’t make a lot of sense to me.

The noun version of Google’s answer is “the action or state of keeping careful watch for possible danger or difficulties.” Still didn’t make much sense. I’m normally a half-full type of girl. I don’t spend my days looking for danger or focusing on the negative. It’s just not me.

Obviously at this point, I am still a bit lost on the actual meaning of this message. Because, yes, I do believe we get messages in our meditations and when they come they can be a bit cryptic but they need to be heard.

My next step was to look up the origin of “Vigilant.” This is what came up…”late 15th century: from Latin vigilant- ‘keeping awake’, from the verb vigilare, from vigil (see vigil).”

You guessed it, I then rabbit-holed to vigil. And, this is where things made a little more sense to me.

“noun: vigil; plural noun: vigils

a period of keeping awake during the time usually spent asleep, especially to keep watch or pray.”
https://www.google.com/search?sca_esv=561360965&rlz=1C1ONGR_enUS944US945&sxsrf=AB5stBj6nDpMxDThGT_yDPVdIOPUqTM3AA:1693427450239&q=vigil&si=ACFMAn_Hp-Itxgrvlkmz06srbzjKhPyIrp8G5CVA5EG1PHTS5GJsT5_qK0vn4GLsObBNPdjYyF1OTkOlmz2HZiF-tTiwbweC-Q%3D%3D&expnd=1&biw=1536&bih=739&dpr=1.25

If I put this into my statement above…then what I might be able to take from this message is that one…I might not be sleeping too well in the near future (ha) or two…I need to wake up! That my time to “sleep” in this world is over. It cannot wait anymore. I must wake up, I must take the time necessary to awaken to the world around me. Awaken to the knowing. Awaken to the place I’m supposed to take in this world. And, this awakening can’t wait anymore. I think my guides are getting restless!

My period of being dormant, asleep, ignorant in this world is over. It is time to wake up and get moving!!!

Okay then…I guess the next logical question is…WHAT NOW?!?!!?

May you find an awakening within yourself today and may that knowledge not wait!

XOXOXOXO

Wishing Away a Day

Our family had an unbelievably busy summer. Our end of June to July, however, was over the top. Alex, Teal, me, my dad, and step-mom met in Montana for an incredible (and extremely exhausting) 5 days at The Ranch at Rock Creek Dude Ranch. It was incredible. So many outstanding memories to fill our future.

When we arrived home, June 29th, there was a friend of ours at the house. We knew he was coming for the 4th of July weekend…he just arrived before we did. Mark this as Day 1.

Davio stayed until July 5th. I like to tell him that he doesn’t count…because he doesn’t. You know those house guests that don’t require a major clean-up or prepared breakfasts? They don’t care what you look like…ever. They know you get testy about things. They know you argue with your husband and then 2 seconds later you’re over it. The type who knows your kitchen so well that they can unload your dishwasher? Yeah…Davio is one of those guests. However, he was still at our space and having another person means more dishes, more food, more discussion, more planning, etc.

July 5th – July 7th Teal had camp which allowed me to clean house and get laundry done before the next 3 people arrived. These were not the “you don’t count” type of people. These 3 arrived July 8 and didn’t leave till July 16th. By July 16th, I was starting to feel a bit “over-it”. I was already tired of having people in my house. Sigh.

July 17 – 21, my niece arrives with a friend.

July 19 Candela, our Spanish exchange student arrives. She stays till July 29th.

July 23 Candela’s family from Spain arrives.

Yes…at this point, all 5 bedrooms of my house are full. I am making meals for 7 people for more than a week. Trying to stay on top of laundry, Teal’s schedule, our guests’ entertainment schedule, grocery buying, meal prepping, meal making, clean up, and the list continues.

I AM EXHAUSTED at this point! Kind of beyond exhausted actually.

Our house was finally empty and quiet on June 30th.

But during that entire time, well most of that time if I’m being really honest here, I kept reminding myself to never wish a day away.

It is so easy to just get by, to just make it through the day. We all have those times when we think to ourselves, just make it to 5 pm or 8 pm or bedtime or tomorrow morning. And, I will probably have one of those moments in the near future again. But I hope when I’m in the moment, I can remember that this moment will never ever ever be here again. This exact moment, right now as you’re reading, will never be here again. Ever. You can’t get it back. Time keeps ticking.

My mom told me when I was starting my working career that if I wished Mondays away, then I would be wishing 1/7 of my life away. Take that in for a moment. If you dread Mondays because you don’t like your career…you are dreading 1/7 of your entire life away or at least until you find another job to dread.

When I take time to consider the 1/7 statistic, I am reminded that our time here on this Earth is fleeting. Our time here is a drop in the ocean, a whisp of air, one grand of sand on a beach. You get it! We just aren’t here very long and I am going to try and not wish any of this time away.

Looking back, I could have wished an entire month away. An entire month! Saying to myself, “Just make it to July 30th! Just make it to July 30th.” But, I tried not to. I tried to feel each day, to savor each moment, to stretch out each meal. Because I don’t know if any of those people will ever be in my house again. We don’t know what life holds. Many of you have received phones calls that confirmed the vanishing of future memories on this Earth plain with someone who one day was here and who one day wasn’t.

So the next time you feel a bit overwhelmed with the day, the child, the space, the moment…take a deep cleansing breathe, put a small grin on your face, and say, “This too shall pass but I’m not wishing it away!”

XOXOXO

Just Put a Hat on Her!

Telepathy and Intuition.

We were new, first-time, parents. We did our fair share of contributing to the consumer world of “baby”. We measured those scoops of formula perfectly. Made sure the temperature of the milk was just right. This also meant that for the first few weeks at home, we both got up when she cried. Both of us reacted…what’s wrong? Is she hungry? Is she cold? Does she need to be changed? What can we do? What can we change?

It was non-stop. As every new parent can attest to. It’s in our DNA to do this when we hear our baby cry. Fix it. Fix it now.

Well, on this one occasion about 4 months into Teal’s life, I knew something very odd.

Let me set the stage…it’s end of October. We were remodeling our house (which was supposed to be done before Teal came into this world) and were living in a very small condo. Teal was content by the fire. It was warm and cozy in our home. Out of the blue, Teal started fussing and then she started crying. Alex was holding her with a bewildered look. Like…where is this coming from? All normal things had been checked off the list…hungry? No. Dirty? No. Cold? No, etc. You get the point.

Then it happened…this weird knowing came over me and I said to Alex, “Put a hat on her.” Now, we were in the house. It was warm. This statement did not make sense AT ALL. Put a hat on her? What? Alex looked at me with a very, very strange expression.

I said it again, “Put a hat on her. I don’t know why, but she wants a hat.”

So, Alex puts a hat on her and she immediately stops crying. Immediately. Both of us were quite stunned.

Well, here’s the most important part of this entire story. That specific day in October was the very 1st time my daughter communicated with me telepathically. She told me she wanted a hat. She sent me that message…and thankfully, I received it.

You see, what I could have said here is that it was all Mama’s Intuition. It was all me. It was all the intuitive instinct that comes with motherhood. And, I do believe in a mother’s intuition. I believe it. I have experienced it. I use it regularly. But, the part people leave out of the story is that the message comes from somewhere.

Teal sent me the message. She was an active part of my knowing that day. It was NOT ALL ME. It was a 2-way communication. She sent the message and I received it. And then I acted…thank goodness.

So, the next time you get a knowing and you think it’s all just your intuition. Take a moment to give credit to the sender. And sometimes that sender is a tiny 6 lb, 4 month old magical preemie child whom will forever change your life.

And, give credit where credit is due!

With love,

Jen

PS: if you feel like you are intuitive (because everyone is), let me know. I have a mini-course for you to help bring more of your intuition to the surface.

What happens when you fall off the wagon?

Do we need to feel guilt towards our spirit team when we fall off the spiritual wagon?

I’ve fallen off the wagon. Yes, I’ve said it. I fell off the wagon and it drove away.

I’m also happy to say I found the wagon and I climbed back on.

We’ve all done it and we’ll do it again. We fall off the wagon with our eating plans (aka diet), our movement plans (aka exercise routine), our friendships, our hobbies, our…everything. This time I fell off my meditation and journaling plan. I normally wake up early and meditate for 15-20 minutes followed by 10 minutes or so of journaling. The journaling often turns into automatic writing and it is powerful. My early morning time is extremely meaningful to me. I am a better human, a better mom, a better wife/daughter/friend… a better everything when I make my meditation/journaling time a priority.

So, the question is … WHY DID I FALL OFF THE WAGON IF IT’S THAT IMPORTANT? What was so important that it took priority over my “me” time?

A couple of things…I got sick. Ugh. Like really really sick. Sinus infection, ear infection, blown ear drum sort of sick. And we had a holiday in there and guests in town for 3 straight weeks. Yes, all great excuses. But, nothing says I can’t just sit in silence for 5 minutes each morning before I start my day. No matter how horrible I feel. It doesn’t have to be the normal 40 minutes. 5 minutes is okay.

Well, anyhoots, I got back on the meditation/journaling wagon yesterday. YEAH. And, as I sat in meditation I started apologizing to my spirit team. I thanked them for being patient with me but then I started profusely apologizing. And, do you know what I heard…”This guilt is placed by yourself. This is your guilt. This has nothing to do with us.”

How many times do we place the emotion of guilt on ourselves?

Many times I find myself avoiding something because I avoided it in the past. And it is easier to avoid that it is to do. And, it is sometimes easier to feel guilt than it is to do. Get that…let it sink in. Sometimes I choose to feel guilty about not doing something than actually doing something. Exercise is a great example for me. The longer I go without exercising, that easier it is to not exercise. And yet, each day I don’t exercise, I feel more guilt. Agh! It’s crazy. Why would I ever do that? I don’t want to feel guilty. Yuck.

There are about 10 things right now that I know I am avoiding. I am choosing to NOT do something and in effect, I am choosing to feel crappy about it. Why on Earth would I choose a heaviness in my heart, a pit in my stomach, and an overall sadness and disappointment over doing something? I have no idea. Truly…I don’t.

So, how did all of this come to be…a little message from my spirit team about guilt!!

Ha!

And, so, I’m going to actively choose to DO. I’m going to actively choose to do and to NOT avoid. So, yes, that means putting the folded clothes away in my bedroom. Yes, that means going through my closet and donating the clothes that I will never wear again. Yes, that means moving more today than I did yesterday. Yes, that means doing! And in the act of doing, I feel the heaviness get lighter, the stomach ache ease, and the sadness lift.

What can you start to do today?

With love,

Jen

PS: if you’ve fallen off the meditation/journaling wagon…don’t feel guilt, just do it right now. Sit for 5 breathes and then write 1 sentence. It’s that easy!

What happens when you lose things?

So, I very rarely turn off my computer. I know it is a terrible habit. Please don’t lecture me about hackers and all that! It really comes down to time management. I normally get done with a project about 10 seconds before I’m committed to be inside to relieve a babysitter or to make dinner or to get Teal to her next therapy appointment. You hear me?

Anyhoots, I just save things and run out the door. Well, I am very very sad to tell you that I didn’t save some pretty important journal entries and wouldn’t you know it…my computer did a restart on me and guess who can’t recover them? Me! I have tried, believe me. I did the google search and followed the steps. Nope. Not there. I actually searched for key words, hoping that I did somehow save them or the computer saved them for me and they just aren’t under “Unsaved files.”

Sad but true, I can’t find them. So, this led me to question “What happens when you lose things?” And, that leads me to the real question of “Why do we hang on so tightly to the lost things?” Why do I need to search so hard for what has been lost? Why can’t I just accept that it is gone and won’t return? Why can’t I see the beauty in having had it and then lost it?

And yes, I know…this is SO MUCH MORE THAN LOSING A WORD DOC of a journal entry. This is about the loss of what was. The loss of what I thought would be. I am still, after more than 5 years post diagnosis, mourning the loss of what my life would look like, feel like, and be. The mourning looks different than it used to. The mourning is lighter and doesn’t weigh on me every moment of every day. The mourning is easier to get through. And yet it is still there. A lump in my throat or a heaviness in my heart. At times it is heavier than I would like to admit. And at times, it is more than I am willing to acknowledge.

I look at my grief and feel guilty because my Teal is so magnificent, so magical. But, I still mourn that I’ve never heard her say, “Mom.” Or “I love you.” Or, “I’m home!!” I still mourn hearing her footsteps run up the stairs after a play date to greet me and tell me about her day. And I mourn that she can’t pick out her clothes in the morning, brush her teeth, and come down for breakfast…on her own!

There are many parts of our lives and our child’s life we can mourn the loss of. And, long, deep, soothing sigh, it is okay.

It is okay to grieve.

It is okay to grieve that which could have been.

It is okay to grieve the unknown.

It is okay to be angry at your computer for losing documents that had precious meaning and a little part of your heart.

It’s all okay.

“Grief never ends. But it changes. It’s a passage not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…it is the price of love.”

Author Unknown

Are you emotionally intelligent?

Teal is emotionally smarter than me!

Teal struggles with her emotions. But I imagine she struggles most with expression of her needs and her wants and that translates into extreme emotional distress and frustration.

You know the big thing now with parenting…or at least the big thing on the front of many of my social feeds…teach your children how to work through their emotion. Give them the tools. Don’t send them to their room alone to figure it out and “think” about what they’ve done. No, you sit with them, listen to them, ask gentle questions, support them, be empathic, teach them how to use their breath to work through their struggles, teach them how to use their words to work through their frustrations, and give them time and a safe space to say what they need to say.

Well as a parent of a child with special needs, the above paragraph seems like Mount Everest. Many of us have children who can’t even speak, for crying out loud. I can just see us sitting down with our child and waiting for them to process their emotions and then put a sentence together. It’s comical.

Or if your child does speak, there may be so much stimulation that the words get stuck and hover for eternity. Or the words may come out as a loud cry of frustration. Or perhaps the only way they know how to process the world around them is to hide, to cover, to disappear. Or to run or stim. Or hit.

So, when I say Teal is emotionally smarter than me I say that from the perspective of her having to process her emotions without the ability to communicate easily. Can you imagine knowing what you want to say but not having a quick way to express it? Or, any way to express it? Can you imagine having an emotion like heartache or pity and trying to communicate that effectively with a robotic talking board or static picture icons?

Seriously, take a moment and imagine.

How would you tell someone that you thought they were better than anyone you’ve ever met?
What about meeting someone for the first time and expressing how much you loved the color of their eyes?
Or…what would you do if someone was in your space and you didn’t like it?
Or if you were mad because someone just talked down to you and made you feel stupid?

What happens if you wanted to express yourself but you couldn’t or if the one sentence you wanted to say needed a talking board and capable hands and TIME? Would the teacher wait? Would that new friend have the patience? Would someone even notice that you were irritated?

I can’t imagine it. And, when I try, it brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat.

These children are so much more patient, kind, loving, and tolerant than any adult I know. These children emotionally process more in one hour than I do in a day. They are always trying to keep their emotions under control. If they didn’t, I’m not sure the world could handle it. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t handle it.

And yes, many times…most times really….after Teal swats or cries out with frustration or lets her tone take over her entire body, she pauses and looks deep into my eyes. She lets out a deep breath and reaches to wrap her sweet arms around my neck. This happens within moments of the “episode.” She processes through her frustrations and struggles faster than I do that’s for sure. And she does it all day long.

The miracle is within them. Always remember, the miracle is within them.