Becoming her Mom

#2: The most beautiful sound…

I reread this post from over 6 years ago. I’m so happy I took time to write down this memory. As I read it, I cried. I cried quite a bit as it brought back so many memories, emotions, and the visceral experience flooded my body.

I remember being so terrified.

I remember feeling ALL ALONE.

I remember not seeing her. Alex told me she was beautiful. Alex said she was huge. Alex was the first one to see her.

I remember his agony. “Who do I go with?” For the 1^st time since marrying me, he had to choose. Do I go with my daughter to the NICU or do I go with my wife to post-op?

I remember saying, “Go with her! I am fine. Go with her.”

Then, I don’t remember.

I don’t remember what happened between him leaving and my waking up in the recovery room. I don’t remember being stitched up. I don’t remember being transported. I don’t remember the first moments of being a mom.

I don’t remember holding her and welcoming her into this world…because I didn’t.

I don’t remember letting her feel my skin and hear my voice…because she didn’t.

I don’t remember looking into my husband’s eyes as we basked in the glow of our new baby girl…because I didn’t.

I woke up and Alex was there holding my hand. And, I do remember telling him to go back to be with our daughter. I suppose it was the beginning of always giving everything to your child. “Go with her” I said again. “Be with her. She needs you.”

He stayed with me for a while but then, as he should, he went back to be with our daughter.

I don’t remember being transferred to my room. I don’t remember a lot of those first few hours.

However, I do remember feeling along again. But, this time, the alone feeling was from not having my Teal inside me. For the 1^st time in nine months, she wasn’t with me. And, at the same time, I didn’t fully comprehend that I was a mom. It was a very confusing time.

I remember looking down at my smaller stomach and feeling very confused. Torn. Lonely. Alone. I wasn’t a mom yet. That’s what I remember feeling. She is gone, but I’m not a mom yet. She is of this world, but I am not a mom yet.

I didn’t get to see her for over 8 hours. Our NICU, for whatever reason, won’t let mom’s visit their children until they can walk on their own into the facility. I am highly sensitive to any form of drug and thus, couldn’t actually feel my legs or pelvis for a very long time. Eight hours long. It was pure agony.

However, there are moments I remember that I know have impacted our family positively. Alex was the first one to learn about her. How to “handle” her, how to not “handle” her. He told me how small her diaper was and that he learned about the bag she was in for warmth. He taught me how to wash my hands before going into the NICU. He walked me to where she was. And, for a woman who is often in charge and giving the commands, I know that those sweet moments he had with Teal before I arrived helped to shape their bond from day 1. And for that, I am forever grateful.

I will always remember holding her for the first time.

I will always remember being so shocked by how small she was on my chest.

I will always remember her heat.

I will always remember looking into her sweet, beautiful face with utter amazement and pure joy.

I will always remember smelling her.

I will always remember hearing her tiny breath.

I will always remember lightly touching her dark brown curls.

I will always remember asking her what she wanted to be called.

And, I will always remember when I became a mom, Teal’s mom.

Jen

I release…

Do you see a healer? Not a medical-Western-doctor type healer but an energy healer? Someone who does things you can’t explain but gives you answers that don’t need to be explained? Finding these people to interact with your energy, your spirit, your soul, or perhaps of your child, isn’t as simple as Google searching…”Energy healer in my area.” It takes word of mouth, referrals, personal experiences, confidence in friends. That is how I found Nick Mallett.

I was interviewing Kelley Coleman, author of Everything No One Tells You About Parenting a Disabled Child, for an upcoming podcast and at the end we moved our chat into energy healers, intuition, woo-woo, etc. She says, “Oh you need to meet Nick.”

After our recording, she sends me a name and number of a man that doesn’t advertise…to my knowledge. I don’t think he has a website. When we talk, I don’t even get specifics as to what he’ll do. All good…this is why you take advice and referrals from friends. Trust.

When we connect on the phone, I find out he doesn’t really make appointments. Now, for an appointment girl like me, this was probably the most challenging part. I couldn’t plan my schedule around him? He said something to the effect of, “I just go with the flow most days and I do whatever feels good.” Now, right there is a good lesson for me whether or not I ever connected with him for an energy healing. Go with the flow! The astrological year of 2024 would really vibe with that sentiment. Let go of control!

So, what do I do…I mark my calendar (ha) to call him at 9:11 PT which is 11:11 CT Monday to see if he was free for a healing. Note the angel number of 11:11.

I eventually hook up with him on the phone and he basically dives right in. He asks me to stand up, drink some water, get comfortable, relax my knees and then starts energetically scanning my body over the phone. Or at least that’s what I thought he was doing. Alas, I just went with the flow.

About 3 seconds into my body scan, he starts giving me phrases to say. I was instructed to say them outload, 3x. Each statement started with “I release all _______ and _______ releases me.” After which he would give me an verbal “knod” and then I would hear light language affirming what my body was releasing.

Here were some examples:

“I release all guilt and guilt releases me.” x3

“I release all remorse and remorse releases me.” x3

“I release all toxicity and toxicity releases me.” x3

“I release all inflammation and inflammation releases me.” x3

“I release all banishment and banishment releases me.” x3

“I release all grief and grief releases me.” x3

Many of these statements caught in my throat. The grief statement made me cry. Actually, many of them made me cry.

Grief, Guilt, Remorse, Comparison, Judgment…

The curious part about making these statements 3x was that by the time I got to the 3rd statement, I could feel my body and my emotions release. My voice changed as well. By the 3rd time, I bought in. I could feel “it” going away. I could feel “it” releasing.

I had no idea I was holding on to so much emotion, so much sadness. But as I made the statements, I honored them. I honored the emotion. And, I found myself being kinder to myself with each statement. Acknowledging that we carry negativity inside ourselves is a good thing. Acknowledging that life isn’t always grand…is a good thing. Being truthful and honest with ourselves gives us the freedom to release it.

The next morning during meditation I found myself making some statements again. Things that perhaps crept back in during the day prior.

What do you need to release? What needs to release its hold on you?

Take a moment and sit with these questions. Be kind as the answers come in. And make your own statements 3x. Feel what happens.

Jen

UPDATE: I spoke with Nick before publishing this blog.

What he does is called Quantum Energy Healing!
He checked in with me the day after to see how Teal and I were doing (I neglected to mention that he worked on both of us. I suppose that’s another post). Turns out we were (and still are 2 days later) both quite sick. This, I know from other healings, is quite normal as your body processes and releases that which needs to be freed. The really wonderful part is that he did a few things energetically to help Teal and me because…because it’s the nicest thing to do. Made me feel like we were important…not just clients. And, that is something you don’t always see these days.
He also may be working on a place to put his testimonials. I’ll be writing one for sure…maybe he’ll even link this post to his website?
Thanks, Nick…if you read this!

5 Things

In a recent conversation with my mom (we were recording an episode for the podcast at http://www.ForOurSpecialKids.com), she reminded me of the importance of 5 things.

Years ago, I would wake up each morning and write 5 things that I was grateful for in a notebook next to my bed. Just an easy 5 things. It started my day on a wonderfully positive note and I encourage you to try it.

Here are my 5 things for today:

Waking up with my kitty purring next to me
The taste of hot coffee with cream made by my husband
My morning meditation
The morning colors on the lake
The outstretched arms of my Teal when she woke up

If you can take 30 seconds to honor 5 things you’re grateful for today, your entire day will benefit.

Smiles…

The Vigilant Must Not Wait

So, I got this message today during a bioenergy healing session with Jody Goddard.

“The vigilant must not wait!” What the…?

While I know what vigilant means, I actually looked it up to see if there was another meaning that I was missing.

The Google machine says this, “keeping careful watch for possible danger or difficulties.” That didn’t make a lot of sense to me.

The noun version of Google’s answer is “the action or state of keeping careful watch for possible danger or difficulties.” Still didn’t make much sense. I’m normally a half-full type of girl. I don’t spend my days looking for danger or focusing on the negative. It’s just not me.

Obviously at this point, I am still a bit lost on the actual meaning of this message. Because, yes, I do believe we get messages in our meditations and when they come they can be a bit cryptic but they need to be heard.

My next step was to look up the origin of “Vigilant.” This is what came up…”late 15th century: from Latin vigilant- ‘keeping awake’, from the verb vigilare, from vigil (see vigil).”

You guessed it, I then rabbit-holed to vigil. And, this is where things made a little more sense to me.

“noun: vigil; plural noun: vigils

a period of keeping awake during the time usually spent asleep, especially to keep watch or pray.”
https://www.google.com/search?sca_esv=561360965&rlz=1C1ONGR_enUS944US945&sxsrf=AB5stBj6nDpMxDThGT_yDPVdIOPUqTM3AA:1693427450239&q=vigil&si=ACFMAn_Hp-Itxgrvlkmz06srbzjKhPyIrp8G5CVA5EG1PHTS5GJsT5_qK0vn4GLsObBNPdjYyF1OTkOlmz2HZiF-tTiwbweC-Q%3D%3D&expnd=1&biw=1536&bih=739&dpr=1.25

If I put this into my statement above…then what I might be able to take from this message is that one…I might not be sleeping too well in the near future (ha) or two…I need to wake up! That my time to “sleep” in this world is over. It cannot wait anymore. I must wake up, I must take the time necessary to awaken to the world around me. Awaken to the knowing. Awaken to the place I’m supposed to take in this world. And, this awakening can’t wait anymore. I think my guides are getting restless!

My period of being dormant, asleep, ignorant in this world is over. It is time to wake up and get moving!!!

Okay then…I guess the next logical question is…WHAT NOW?!?!!?

May you find an awakening within yourself today and may that knowledge not wait!

XOXOXOXO

Just Put a Hat on Her!

Telepathy and Intuition.

We were new, first-time, parents. We did our fair share of contributing to the consumer world of “baby”. We measured those scoops of formula perfectly. Made sure the temperature of the milk was just right. This also meant that for the first few weeks at home, we both got up when she cried. Both of us reacted…what’s wrong? Is she hungry? Is she cold? Does she need to be changed? What can we do? What can we change?

It was non-stop. As every new parent can attest to. It’s in our DNA to do this when we hear our baby cry. Fix it. Fix it now.

Well, on this one occasion about 4 months into Teal’s life, I knew something very odd.

Let me set the stage…it’s end of October. We were remodeling our house (which was supposed to be done before Teal came into this world) and were living in a very small condo. Teal was content by the fire. It was warm and cozy in our home. Out of the blue, Teal started fussing and then she started crying. Alex was holding her with a bewildered look. Like…where is this coming from? All normal things had been checked off the list…hungry? No. Dirty? No. Cold? No, etc. You get the point.

Then it happened…this weird knowing came over me and I said to Alex, “Put a hat on her.” Now, we were in the house. It was warm. This statement did not make sense AT ALL. Put a hat on her? What? Alex looked at me with a very, very strange expression.

I said it again, “Put a hat on her. I don’t know why, but she wants a hat.”

So, Alex puts a hat on her and she immediately stops crying. Immediately. Both of us were quite stunned.

Well, here’s the most important part of this entire story. That specific day in October was the very 1st time my daughter communicated with me telepathically. She told me she wanted a hat. She sent me that message…and thankfully, I received it.

You see, what I could have said here is that it was all Mama’s Intuition. It was all me. It was all the intuitive instinct that comes with motherhood. And, I do believe in a mother’s intuition. I believe it. I have experienced it. I use it regularly. But, the part people leave out of the story is that the message comes from somewhere.

Teal sent me the message. She was an active part of my knowing that day. It was NOT ALL ME. It was a 2-way communication. She sent the message and I received it. And then I acted…thank goodness.

So, the next time you get a knowing and you think it’s all just your intuition. Take a moment to give credit to the sender. And sometimes that sender is a tiny 6 lb, 4 month old magical preemie child whom will forever change your life.

And, give credit where credit is due!

With love,

Jen

PS: if you feel like you are intuitive (because everyone is), let me know. I have a mini-course for you to help bring more of your intuition to the surface.

What happens when you fall off the wagon?

Do we need to feel guilt towards our spirit team when we fall off the spiritual wagon?

I’ve fallen off the wagon. Yes, I’ve said it. I fell off the wagon and it drove away.

I’m also happy to say I found the wagon and I climbed back on.

We’ve all done it and we’ll do it again. We fall off the wagon with our eating plans (aka diet), our movement plans (aka exercise routine), our friendships, our hobbies, our…everything. This time I fell off my meditation and journaling plan. I normally wake up early and meditate for 15-20 minutes followed by 10 minutes or so of journaling. The journaling often turns into automatic writing and it is powerful. My early morning time is extremely meaningful to me. I am a better human, a better mom, a better wife/daughter/friend… a better everything when I make my meditation/journaling time a priority.

So, the question is … WHY DID I FALL OFF THE WAGON IF IT’S THAT IMPORTANT? What was so important that it took priority over my “me” time?

A couple of things…I got sick. Ugh. Like really really sick. Sinus infection, ear infection, blown ear drum sort of sick. And we had a holiday in there and guests in town for 3 straight weeks. Yes, all great excuses. But, nothing says I can’t just sit in silence for 5 minutes each morning before I start my day. No matter how horrible I feel. It doesn’t have to be the normal 40 minutes. 5 minutes is okay.

Well, anyhoots, I got back on the meditation/journaling wagon yesterday. YEAH. And, as I sat in meditation I started apologizing to my spirit team. I thanked them for being patient with me but then I started profusely apologizing. And, do you know what I heard…”This guilt is placed by yourself. This is your guilt. This has nothing to do with us.”

How many times do we place the emotion of guilt on ourselves?

Many times I find myself avoiding something because I avoided it in the past. And it is easier to avoid that it is to do. And, it is sometimes easier to feel guilt than it is to do. Get that…let it sink in. Sometimes I choose to feel guilty about not doing something than actually doing something. Exercise is a great example for me. The longer I go without exercising, that easier it is to not exercise. And yet, each day I don’t exercise, I feel more guilt. Agh! It’s crazy. Why would I ever do that? I don’t want to feel guilty. Yuck.

There are about 10 things right now that I know I am avoiding. I am choosing to NOT do something and in effect, I am choosing to feel crappy about it. Why on Earth would I choose a heaviness in my heart, a pit in my stomach, and an overall sadness and disappointment over doing something? I have no idea. Truly…I don’t.

So, how did all of this come to be…a little message from my spirit team about guilt!!

Ha!

And, so, I’m going to actively choose to DO. I’m going to actively choose to do and to NOT avoid. So, yes, that means putting the folded clothes away in my bedroom. Yes, that means going through my closet and donating the clothes that I will never wear again. Yes, that means moving more today than I did yesterday. Yes, that means doing! And in the act of doing, I feel the heaviness get lighter, the stomach ache ease, and the sadness lift.

What can you start to do today?

With love,

Jen

PS: if you’ve fallen off the meditation/journaling wagon…don’t feel guilt, just do it right now. Sit for 5 breathes and then write 1 sentence. It’s that easy!

What happens when you lose things?

So, I very rarely turn off my computer. I know it is a terrible habit. Please don’t lecture me about hackers and all that! It really comes down to time management. I normally get done with a project about 10 seconds before I’m committed to be inside to relieve a babysitter or to make dinner or to get Teal to her next therapy appointment. You hear me?

Anyhoots, I just save things and run out the door. Well, I am very very sad to tell you that I didn’t save some pretty important journal entries and wouldn’t you know it…my computer did a restart on me and guess who can’t recover them? Me! I have tried, believe me. I did the google search and followed the steps. Nope. Not there. I actually searched for key words, hoping that I did somehow save them or the computer saved them for me and they just aren’t under “Unsaved files.”

Sad but true, I can’t find them. So, this led me to question “What happens when you lose things?” And, that leads me to the real question of “Why do we hang on so tightly to the lost things?” Why do I need to search so hard for what has been lost? Why can’t I just accept that it is gone and won’t return? Why can’t I see the beauty in having had it and then lost it?

And yes, I know…this is SO MUCH MORE THAN LOSING A WORD DOC of a journal entry. This is about the loss of what was. The loss of what I thought would be. I am still, after more than 5 years post diagnosis, mourning the loss of what my life would look like, feel like, and be. The mourning looks different than it used to. The mourning is lighter and doesn’t weigh on me every moment of every day. The mourning is easier to get through. And yet it is still there. A lump in my throat or a heaviness in my heart. At times it is heavier than I would like to admit. And at times, it is more than I am willing to acknowledge.

I look at my grief and feel guilty because my Teal is so magnificent, so magical. But, I still mourn that I’ve never heard her say, “Mom.” Or “I love you.” Or, “I’m home!!” I still mourn hearing her footsteps run up the stairs after a play date to greet me and tell me about her day. And I mourn that she can’t pick out her clothes in the morning, brush her teeth, and come down for breakfast…on her own!

There are many parts of our lives and our child’s life we can mourn the loss of. And, long, deep, soothing sigh, it is okay.

It is okay to grieve.

It is okay to grieve that which could have been.

It is okay to grieve the unknown.

It is okay to be angry at your computer for losing documents that had precious meaning and a little part of your heart.

It’s all okay.

“Grief never ends. But it changes. It’s a passage not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…it is the price of love.”

Author Unknown

Are you emotionally intelligent?

Teal is emotionally smarter than me!

Teal struggles with her emotions. But I imagine she struggles most with expression of her needs and her wants and that translates into extreme emotional distress and frustration.

You know the big thing now with parenting…or at least the big thing on the front of many of my social feeds…teach your children how to work through their emotion. Give them the tools. Don’t send them to their room alone to figure it out and “think” about what they’ve done. No, you sit with them, listen to them, ask gentle questions, support them, be empathic, teach them how to use their breath to work through their struggles, teach them how to use their words to work through their frustrations, and give them time and a safe space to say what they need to say.

Well as a parent of a child with special needs, the above paragraph seems like Mount Everest. Many of us have children who can’t even speak, for crying out loud. I can just see us sitting down with our child and waiting for them to process their emotions and then put a sentence together. It’s comical.

Or if your child does speak, there may be so much stimulation that the words get stuck and hover for eternity. Or the words may come out as a loud cry of frustration. Or perhaps the only way they know how to process the world around them is to hide, to cover, to disappear. Or to run or stim. Or hit.

So, when I say Teal is emotionally smarter than me I say that from the perspective of her having to process her emotions without the ability to communicate easily. Can you imagine knowing what you want to say but not having a quick way to express it? Or, any way to express it? Can you imagine having an emotion like heartache or pity and trying to communicate that effectively with a robotic talking board or static picture icons?

Seriously, take a moment and imagine.

How would you tell someone that you thought they were better than anyone you’ve ever met?
What about meeting someone for the first time and expressing how much you loved the color of their eyes?
Or…what would you do if someone was in your space and you didn’t like it?
Or if you were mad because someone just talked down to you and made you feel stupid?

What happens if you wanted to express yourself but you couldn’t or if the one sentence you wanted to say needed a talking board and capable hands and TIME? Would the teacher wait? Would that new friend have the patience? Would someone even notice that you were irritated?

I can’t imagine it. And, when I try, it brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat.

These children are so much more patient, kind, loving, and tolerant than any adult I know. These children emotionally process more in one hour than I do in a day. They are always trying to keep their emotions under control. If they didn’t, I’m not sure the world could handle it. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t handle it.

And yes, many times…most times really….after Teal swats or cries out with frustration or lets her tone take over her entire body, she pauses and looks deep into my eyes. She lets out a deep breath and reaches to wrap her sweet arms around my neck. This happens within moments of the “episode.” She processes through her frustrations and struggles faster than I do that’s for sure. And she does it all day long.

The miracle is within them. Always remember, the miracle is within them.