Wishing Away a Day

Our family had an unbelievably busy summer. Our end of June to July, however, was over the top. Alex, Teal, me, my dad, and step-mom met in Montana for an incredible (and extremely exhausting) 5 days at The Ranch at Rock Creek Dude Ranch. It was incredible. So many outstanding memories to fill our future.

When we arrived home, June 29th, there was a friend of ours at the house. We knew he was coming for the 4th of July weekend…he just arrived before we did. Mark this as Day 1.

Davio stayed until July 5th. I like to tell him that he doesn’t count…because he doesn’t. You know those house guests that don’t require a major clean-up or prepared breakfasts? They don’t care what you look like…ever. They know you get testy about things. They know you argue with your husband and then 2 seconds later you’re over it. The type who knows your kitchen so well that they can unload your dishwasher? Yeah…Davio is one of those guests. However, he was still at our space and having another person means more dishes, more food, more discussion, more planning, etc.

July 5th – July 7th Teal had camp which allowed me to clean house and get laundry done before the next 3 people arrived. These were not the “you don’t count” type of people. These 3 arrived July 8 and didn’t leave till July 16th. By July 16th, I was starting to feel a bit “over-it”. I was already tired of having people in my house. Sigh.

July 17 – 21, my niece arrives with a friend.

July 19 Candela, our Spanish exchange student arrives. She stays till July 29th.

July 23 Candela’s family from Spain arrives.

Yes…at this point, all 5 bedrooms of my house are full. I am making meals for 7 people for more than a week. Trying to stay on top of laundry, Teal’s schedule, our guests’ entertainment schedule, grocery buying, meal prepping, meal making, clean up, and the list continues.

I AM EXHAUSTED at this point! Kind of beyond exhausted actually.

Our house was finally empty and quiet on June 30th.

But during that entire time, well most of that time if I’m being really honest here, I kept reminding myself to never wish a day away.

It is so easy to just get by, to just make it through the day. We all have those times when we think to ourselves, just make it to 5 pm or 8 pm or bedtime or tomorrow morning. And, I will probably have one of those moments in the near future again. But I hope when I’m in the moment, I can remember that this moment will never ever ever be here again. This exact moment, right now as you’re reading, will never be here again. Ever. You can’t get it back. Time keeps ticking.

My mom told me when I was starting my working career that if I wished Mondays away, then I would be wishing 1/7 of my life away. Take that in for a moment. If you dread Mondays because you don’t like your career…you are dreading 1/7 of your entire life away or at least until you find another job to dread.

When I take time to consider the 1/7 statistic, I am reminded that our time here on this Earth is fleeting. Our time here is a drop in the ocean, a whisp of air, one grand of sand on a beach. You get it! We just aren’t here very long and I am going to try and not wish any of this time away.

Looking back, I could have wished an entire month away. An entire month! Saying to myself, “Just make it to July 30th! Just make it to July 30th.” But, I tried not to. I tried to feel each day, to savor each moment, to stretch out each meal. Because I don’t know if any of those people will ever be in my house again. We don’t know what life holds. Many of you have received phones calls that confirmed the vanishing of future memories on this Earth plain with someone who one day was here and who one day wasn’t.

So the next time you feel a bit overwhelmed with the day, the child, the space, the moment…take a deep cleansing breathe, put a small grin on your face, and say, “This too shall pass but I’m not wishing it away!”

XOXOXO

What happens when you lose things?

So, I very rarely turn off my computer. I know it is a terrible habit. Please don’t lecture me about hackers and all that! It really comes down to time management. I normally get done with a project about 10 seconds before I’m committed to be inside to relieve a babysitter or to make dinner or to get Teal to her next therapy appointment. You hear me?

Anyhoots, I just save things and run out the door. Well, I am very very sad to tell you that I didn’t save some pretty important journal entries and wouldn’t you know it…my computer did a restart on me and guess who can’t recover them? Me! I have tried, believe me. I did the google search and followed the steps. Nope. Not there. I actually searched for key words, hoping that I did somehow save them or the computer saved them for me and they just aren’t under “Unsaved files.”

Sad but true, I can’t find them. So, this led me to question “What happens when you lose things?” And, that leads me to the real question of “Why do we hang on so tightly to the lost things?” Why do I need to search so hard for what has been lost? Why can’t I just accept that it is gone and won’t return? Why can’t I see the beauty in having had it and then lost it?

And yes, I know…this is SO MUCH MORE THAN LOSING A WORD DOC of a journal entry. This is about the loss of what was. The loss of what I thought would be. I am still, after more than 5 years post diagnosis, mourning the loss of what my life would look like, feel like, and be. The mourning looks different than it used to. The mourning is lighter and doesn’t weigh on me every moment of every day. The mourning is easier to get through. And yet it is still there. A lump in my throat or a heaviness in my heart. At times it is heavier than I would like to admit. And at times, it is more than I am willing to acknowledge.

I look at my grief and feel guilty because my Teal is so magnificent, so magical. But, I still mourn that I’ve never heard her say, “Mom.” Or “I love you.” Or, “I’m home!!” I still mourn hearing her footsteps run up the stairs after a play date to greet me and tell me about her day. And I mourn that she can’t pick out her clothes in the morning, brush her teeth, and come down for breakfast…on her own!

There are many parts of our lives and our child’s life we can mourn the loss of. And, long, deep, soothing sigh, it is okay.

It is okay to grieve.

It is okay to grieve that which could have been.

It is okay to grieve the unknown.

It is okay to be angry at your computer for losing documents that had precious meaning and a little part of your heart.

It’s all okay.

“Grief never ends. But it changes. It’s a passage not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…it is the price of love.”

Author Unknown

Are you emotionally intelligent?

Teal is emotionally smarter than me!

Teal struggles with her emotions. But I imagine she struggles most with expression of her needs and her wants and that translates into extreme emotional distress and frustration.

You know the big thing now with parenting…or at least the big thing on the front of many of my social feeds…teach your children how to work through their emotion. Give them the tools. Don’t send them to their room alone to figure it out and “think” about what they’ve done. No, you sit with them, listen to them, ask gentle questions, support them, be empathic, teach them how to use their breath to work through their struggles, teach them how to use their words to work through their frustrations, and give them time and a safe space to say what they need to say.

Well as a parent of a child with special needs, the above paragraph seems like Mount Everest. Many of us have children who can’t even speak, for crying out loud. I can just see us sitting down with our child and waiting for them to process their emotions and then put a sentence together. It’s comical.

Or if your child does speak, there may be so much stimulation that the words get stuck and hover for eternity. Or the words may come out as a loud cry of frustration. Or perhaps the only way they know how to process the world around them is to hide, to cover, to disappear. Or to run or stim. Or hit.

So, when I say Teal is emotionally smarter than me I say that from the perspective of her having to process her emotions without the ability to communicate easily. Can you imagine knowing what you want to say but not having a quick way to express it? Or, any way to express it? Can you imagine having an emotion like heartache or pity and trying to communicate that effectively with a robotic talking board or static picture icons?

Seriously, take a moment and imagine.

How would you tell someone that you thought they were better than anyone you’ve ever met?
What about meeting someone for the first time and expressing how much you loved the color of their eyes?
Or…what would you do if someone was in your space and you didn’t like it?
Or if you were mad because someone just talked down to you and made you feel stupid?

What happens if you wanted to express yourself but you couldn’t or if the one sentence you wanted to say needed a talking board and capable hands and TIME? Would the teacher wait? Would that new friend have the patience? Would someone even notice that you were irritated?

I can’t imagine it. And, when I try, it brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat.

These children are so much more patient, kind, loving, and tolerant than any adult I know. These children emotionally process more in one hour than I do in a day. They are always trying to keep their emotions under control. If they didn’t, I’m not sure the world could handle it. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t handle it.

And yes, many times…most times really….after Teal swats or cries out with frustration or lets her tone take over her entire body, she pauses and looks deep into my eyes. She lets out a deep breath and reaches to wrap her sweet arms around my neck. This happens within moments of the “episode.” She processes through her frustrations and struggles faster than I do that’s for sure. And she does it all day long.

The miracle is within them. Always remember, the miracle is within them.